The Bulldogs are Cheating

Rant…

How high is my laundry pile?

19 July 2016
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Categories: Rant..., Theatre

There has been more concrete rumblings about the sad state of Fringe reviewing in the city this year. Due to recent choices by the freep CBC has become the defacto Review importance champ but they are either not reviewing EVERYTHING or doing what they’re doing extremely slowly, having the Metro as a print partner is a nice choice though. And while the Winnipeg Free Press IS reviewing every show this year, they are maintaining their infuriating pay wall. That said, at least they have mechanisms to sort and filter reviews whereas CBC is one long “press to load more” page of nonsense. The CBC actually used to have a pretty great fringe site but either by lack of budget or non-flexibility of their CMS (most likely both imo) they now have a garbage web experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why the Freep feels the need for a paywall as they struggle in this day and age, but they need to make an exception. As our only ‘good’ newspaper it would be really nice to see them make this SPECIAL section a free feature of the website. Not only would this make them relevant again (right now people are only mentioning the WFP reviews if they got a bad CBC one,) it would be better for out of town visitors and might be a good showpiece on why locals (young people in particular) might want to subscribe for their arts coverage.

In terms of general fringe health, attendance was down a fair bit for the first few days but that’s likely at least partly a product of pretty changeable weather for chunks of the weekend. Things definitely won’t be setting a new record but seem healthy at least.

 

Everybody Dies In December – Venue #11

The new show from Nancy Kenny creator of ‘Roller Derby Saved My Soul’ and the documentary ‘On The Fringe.’ It’s a very different show than Roller Derby and I think that might be what made her reviews a bit less than stellar. We join Claire the Mortician as she bares her soul while preparing her clients for their last visit with the living and enjoys a last conversation with them as well. It’s a slower paced, darker comedy and one I quite enjoyed, though I can see why it wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

4/5

 

Curious Contagious – Venue #1

My second shadow puppetry extravaganza of the fringe. I’m ashamed to say I dozed off at one point. That’s mostly on me and my somewhat ragged state sleep-wise. That said, as gifted as these two women are at the various techniques they use in their unicorn tale I felt as if certain sequences went on a bit too long. Again that may be on me as this definitely shaded more towards the dance side rather than the story/comedy side of Space Hippo. Still, I really enjoyed it and the music was great too.

4/5

 

Falling Awake – Venue #2

Two gifted performers delighting the packed audience with a show that’s all physical comedy with elements of magic, mime and mystery. What’s more they survived a near catastrophic set collapse with grace and a lot of laughs. I hope we see them again next year.

4.5/5

 

President Bear – Venue #8

Their 2 star review might have been a bit harsh but it was also pretty on the nose. There’s a lot of potential here, particularly amongst the female cast members, but not a lot of polish. Most of the sketches outstayed their welcome to some degree and could have benefited from either more ruthless self editing or a workshop with an outside writer. Three or four more quality sketches and probably around 25% cut from the existing ones and they’d be looking at a 4-5 star review. Their filmed interstitials were great but you can’t rely on those too much. If they take their experience at this festival and learn from it we might have another great sketchcom group on our hands.

2.75/5

 

As for that laundry pile… let’s just say if you don’t hear from me after the Fringe it probably became sentient and ate me.

Is it because I’m eating alone?

20 January 2015
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Categories: Meanwhile... at stately Wayne Manor., Rant..., Winnipeg

First a little backstory:

The municipal government building in which I work is situated more or less on the fringe of ‘business downtown’ and starts the shift towards ‘sketchy downtown’ here in the city. We as employees don’t have any actual lunchrooms in the building (at least not that I’ve found on floors I have access to) other than a counter space for a person or two to sit in the floor kitchen. Happily on the main floor of the building there is a cafe that sort of doubles as a cafeteria with a number of tables as well as some couches. It’s open to (and frequented by) outside people as they often have a good lunch special and the food is decent if sometimes bland. Most days at lunch I take my lunch break in the cafe, almost always watching an hour’s worth of tv or 1/2 a movie on my laptop or sometimes reading a book. Usually I just eat my lunch from home but I often grab a bowl of soup or an order of fries.

Anyway… so today I’m sitting in one of the corners (wearing my parka but unzipped as the wind often sneaks in the door and chills the place down) my headphones on and my laptop open watching a show and occasionally texting. I eat my sandwich from home but leave the rest of my food upstairs as I’m working a bit late and want to fend off hunger eating my apple and almond tart later in the afternoon. As time winds on the place gradually empties out until it’s only about half full, the credits are about to start rolling on my show and I’m just thinking that I should get my butt back up to my desk. That’s when it happened.

I notice a woman across the room who has finished her lunch stand up and begin walking towards me. I figure she’s heading to pick up one of the freebie papers that are sitting a few booths down from me by the door but no, now she’s speaking to me but I can’t hear her over the soundtrack. I pull out my headphones and say: “Pardon me?”

“I said would you like a soda pop?”

I manage to stammer out some sort of puzzled reply along the lines of “I’m fine” as I have a closer look at her. She’s late middle aged/early senior citizen, wearing a faded pink sweatshirt and ugly denim skirt. Her eyes are somehow simultaneously caring and vacant and I quite honestly can’t begin to figure out where she’s coming from.

“Well, are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?” There’s a concerned inflection to her voice now and it begins to click that she thinks I’m homeless/needy. Now on occasion homeless people do come into the cafe, we’re not far from a few of the bigger shelters and someone once told me the cafe owner donates a fair bit of leftover food to one of them. I’m fairly sure he also gives them a fair bit for their money when they do come in and want to pay for a meal. The thing I can’t figure out is why on earth she would think I’m homeless. I realize now that she’d come in after I finished my sandwich and therefore hadn’t seen me eating but I’m pretty clearly a staff member here. About the only visible reason might be that I forgot to shave… yet

  • I look well fed (well let’s be honest, overfed)
  • Other than being unshaven I’m reasonably well groomed
  • I’m using a laptop/headphones and texting on a fairly new phone.
  • I’m wearing a spotless fairly expensive looking jacket over what’s clearly a pressed dress shirt .

Obviously none of these things preclude me being homeless, but I think all of them together don’t really paint a picture of someone who needs her to come over.

Slowly starting to realize where she’s coming from I say: “No thank you, I’m good” But she leans closer and insists “No, you look like you wanted someone to come over and buy you some food.”

I thank her as politely as I can, tell her I already ate my sandwich and she finally accepts it and walks away saying “You know sometimes people just sit here hoping that someone will get them some food. (I eat lunch in here every day ma’am, I’ve never seen that.) Eventually I start packing up to leave at which point she finally gives up and goes to police her tray as I scurry back out to catch my elevator.

The damn thing was… the moment I went upstairs… I DID want a soda pop.

—

 

Saving for a house is terrible…

29 August 2014
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Nothing says fun summer like trying to spend as little money as possible (especially after spending a fortune during the fringe weeks.)

Thoughts on Godzilla

29 May 2014
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Categories: Movies, Rant...

A friend and I took advantage of getting home from work at a reasonable hour and caught a 3D showing of Godzilla this week. While we’d both read several positive reviews we both had our doubts after Hollywood’s last attempt at a blockbuster involving the big guy. We were both pleasantly surprised when despite some issues we quite enjoyed it.

I think both Kym and I agreed that the film succeeded in spite of itself, probably due to some last minute editing. The core of the story is supposed to be the family dynamic between Bryan Cranston’s character, his son (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and his son’s wife (Elizabeth Olsen) and son.  We are supposed to care deeply about the son getting home to his family after trying to help his dad in Japan. Unfortunately Johnson seems to have decided (or been directed) to play his soldier character as blandy stoic as possible (the guy is quite lively and likeable in other films, just not here.) Simultaneously his quest to return home from japan is an increasingly ridiculous deus ex machine to get him to pretty much every monster attack point in the film. Elizabeth Olsen is entirely wasted as the wife waiting patiently because her man said he’d come for her (/rolleyes.) Rather hilariously the marketing department seems to have realized how boring this plotline is as well and Johnson/Olsen are barely featured in the trailer, Johnson has one line and two focused shots while Cranston and Watanabe narrate the entire thing. Don’t get me wrong Cranston is awesome but the trailer makes it look as if he’s the star of the film, not a supporting character. Speaking of actors being wasted Ken Watanabe and David Strathhairn are both criminally underused. There are quite a few sudden time jumps in the movie that could have made for a more compelling narrative if the producers hadn’t felt the need to give half of the film over to family melodrama.

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Of course, enforcing the rules would help too.

28 April 2014
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Categories: Rant..., Travel

LisaWedding_planes

Airports bug me, they always have. I’ve never been one for enjoying the departure or arrival process. Mostly I think the issue is one I have faced with any large gathering of people. I have a pretty low tolerance for stupidity and lack of forward planning. This unfortunately manifests itself in a lot of ways with regards to air travel. For example:

  1. Have your reservation ready. – You’ve been waiting to check in for half an hour, why when you get to the front of the line are you having to check every pocket of your coat/bag/suitcase for the printout.
  2. Have your documents ready at all times. – Seriously, you need your passport and boarding pass until you board the damned plane (and your pass slip til you sit down) stop putting them away behind three zippers every single time you pass a checkpoint.
  3. Have your liquids ready for security. – The liquid restrictions have been around so long at this point that they’re fodder for hackneyed comedy routines and bad sitcom plots. Even if you haven’t taken a flight in the past fifteen years there are at least 10 different signs, a table with plastic bags, and a stern eyed tsa type person pointing this out to you as well. Yes this includes your coffee even if you “just bought it in the airport,” as well as sealed bottles of any type. If you are surprised by this after passing through the scanner you are a moron, I hope that bottle of perfume cost $200 (seriously, why are you bringing that much perfume on a one week holiday?)  – In a bit of happy news apparently new MRI tech for airports may soon allow them to scan and pass liquids. That will be lovely for those of us travelling home from wine regions.
  4. Have your laptop ready to take out for security (and for that matter just plain know where everything in your bag is for quick presentation.) Just common sense, again this rule has been around forever at this point.
  5. Look ahead at security, if everyone else is having to take off their shoes, take the flying leap that you might have to as well.

This 30 seconds here and there may not seem like a lot but it all adds up. It’s the willfully ignorant that consistently ignore all of this that cause us all to have to get there 2-3 hours before our flight.

Number one rule of air travel: HAVE YOUR SHIT READY!

Reading this article on plane loading brought to mind my other pet peeve though. That loading process is always such a colossal clusterfuck and whatever the airlines do it’s the morons back in coach that make things worse. First we load the first class people, the old and infirm and those travelling with small children. You know what I’m fine with that, provided that…

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I’m not asking for a scent free workplace, but…

20 March 2014
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Categories: Rant..., Things Toast cares about...
"Aw, jeez. And you got the stink lines and everything."
“Aw, jeez. And you got the stink lines and everything.”

We’ve all had a stinky co-worker in our workplace. Usually it’s a guy, usually it’s a lack of showering issue and usually it’s persistent. Not always though. I’ve had stinky female co-workers and I’ve had co-workers of both sexes who over use terrible scented products (be it AXE or Perfume.) Everyone has an occasional stinky day, most people aren’t going to fault you if you overslept, missed your shower and your deodorant is losing the battle come 2:30. Unfortunately there’s also the true stench goblin, the person who has so little understanding of how much they reek that eventually there has to be a truly awkward conversation about soap and water.

In my high school and early university retail days I’d run into a number of smelly people, particularly when I worked at Superstore. We had the usual couple guys on a large staff who simply didn’t get that showering on a regular basis was necessary. There were also other special cases, for example: the poor bastards who worked at the fish counter who would clear out the staff room whenever they came in for their lunch break smelling of mackerel. Even worse were the days where the produce guys were chucking a giant basket of rotted tomato or cabbage and the juices would saturate their aprons completely. Given that I usually worked Saturdays we usually had a platoon of hungover or still drunk/high employees arriving straight from whatever car seat or couch they’d slept on as well, usually emanating a cloud that you could put a match to. Lord knows I don’t blame them, I hardly found the dank world of late 90’s superstore worth any massive effort in the personal hygiene department. Hell I always felt the need to scrub myself down in the bathtub after every shift to get the stench of desperation and broken dreams off my skin.

Even other places weren’t much better. Early days at University brought the occasional walk past the old computer science student’s lounge and the stench that it expelled. CS is a hell of a lot less nerdy and insular these days but in those days 95% of students in the department didn’t dare set foot in their own lounge. It was a dreary little warren nestled in the bowels of the science section. If you ventured within you would find a selection of trolls engaged in semester long tournaments of Magic the Gathering, Goldeneye and Warcraft II as well as a never-ending Warhammer or D&D campaign. If the stench of the rarely unoccupied furniture wasn’t enough to make your eyes water then you had the citizens themselves. If I had to guess I’d say the room probably averaged a daily shower only if you spread it out across all of the regular residents. I’m just glad that back then were were close to the (only by comparison) less disgusting general science lounge.

This is all lengthy preamble to say that I’ve smelled some disgusting people in my time. I’ve done work in hospitals and care homes for the old and disabled. I’ve been to music festivals and terrible hippie coffee bars. I spent a week at a scout jamboree where the rain was so bad that the portapotties overflowed, hell, I’ve visited a sugar beet processing plant. Nothing, not even driving into Brady Landfill on a hot, humid day compares to one of the night janitors in my building.This man’s stench should have its own area code.

Your brain shuts down and all you can smell for an hour after escaping is stale sweat, tobacco and hatred.

It’s like something out of a John Carpenter film. The scent creeps up on you. At first you say to yourself, “that can’t possibly be B.O.” but you slowly begin to realize that it’s truly one human being producing that odour. Your smell receptors scream for mercy, your entire body struggles not to breathe but the cloud is simply too large to cross without inhaling and the last thing you want to do is gasp for air. Finally you give in and take as small a sip of air as you can but it’s too late. Your brain shuts down and all you can smell for an hour after escaping is stale sweat, tobacco and hatred.

You may think I exaggerate but let me step you through just how bad it is. Our building seems to have a severe air pressure differential from outside. The front doors face directly into our elevators and cold air regularly rides up to the upper floors and getting into the elevators in inside clothes is sometimes unbearable in the dead of winter. As far as I can tell this man only works nights as I see him when I stay at work late to go straight to an event. It begins when I walk to the elevator, thankful to finally be leaving the office. I get in the elevator and my nose twitches. It’s not until the door closes and the entombment is complete that I realize I should have taken the stares. His stench has ridden up 6 floors and is surrounding me, yet our creaking elevator will take so long to get to the ground floor that I simply can’t just wait to breathe.  Small breaths, I try not to use my nose but it’s so pervasive that I can’t help but smell. Then the doors open at the main level. I can’t help but expect to see some sort of green haze as if a video game monster has used a poison attack. Nope. There’s simply one man, usually at the far end of the vast atrium but with his odour so pungent it’s as if I was buried in his armpit. Because it’s late I can’t just dash out the close door but instead have to head across the entire atrium to the back of the building. Nor can I run because he’s freshly polished the floors and I’d no doubt fall, smash my head and be faced with the prospect of mouth to mouth. The security guard usually ensconced in the corner is nowhere to be seen, no doubt doing extra outdoor rounds until the janitor moves to another floor (I’ve seen them do 4 laps of the perimeter rather than go inside, even in weather touching minus 40 celsius.) I eventually escape but it really is the truth, I keep tasting that smell in the back of my mouth for a while afterwards. Thankfully when I stay late I’m usually heading someplace with a bar and I can wash away the horror with a few pulls at a beer. The question always lingers… how does this man not get sent to the basement showers by his supervisor when he shows up smelling like that? Our union really is too powerful.

In the end I’m repeatedly struck by one simple fact: This man is in some way responsible for cleanliness and hygiene in my building. The thought is truly horrifying.

It just won’t stay dead…

14 March 2014
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Categories: Rant..., Things Toast cares about..., Winnipeg, Writing
FlandersZombie002rs
He was a zombie?

So much for that “I should be back to writing more soon” comment eh?

A lot has happened since I last deposited a rant on these pages. All that studying up paid off (not really) and I got a new IT based job here in Winnipeg. It’s not really in my wheelhouse sadly but is at least a good paycheque with good security/benefits and a pleasant team to work with. Unfortunately being in the first year of my contract has put somewhat of a damper on my wanderlust since I don’t officially get holidays for another couple months.  I sadly haven’t even been able to fit in a long weekend in Vegas this year.  Bummer… still, I suppose we all have to pretend towards adulthood once in a while.

While part of me has been off being an adult the creative side of me has somewhat languished. I have had an itch to write for months now but simultaneously a bit of a creative block.  Part of that was fatigue, adjusting to a 40 hr/week job and the accompanying commute has been… unpleasant. Another is the relentlessness of this winter. For those not in these parts Winnipeg has been making up for the past few years with an absolutely brutal succession of snowstorms, sub -30 days and howling winds. Aside from the direct impact on our morale it has also made the commutes here absolutely brutal, not aided by a new snow clearing contractor whose plow drivers have seemingly never scraped a street before.

In short, bleh.

Every single bit of advice I’ve ever seen directed to writers starts with one simple truth: “Write more.” I know I can be a good writer when I’ve been churning out content. Work things, my travelogues, even school work all improved with volume. As a result I’ve made a promise to myself. Write more, even if it’s a couple hundred words a couple times a week. Some of these scribbles will likely show up here, some on Full Spoon Rising and some will no doubt be locked away where no one will ever see them. In my current world of server recycles and db maintenance I want to keep that creative spark alive… no matter how dim it may get.

Fireproof?

6 March 2012
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Categories: Rant..., Things Toast cares about...

Note: this is in response to several messages I received on facebook about the Kirk Cameron nonsense. It isn’t directed at anyone in particular though it does serve as a rebuttal to a number of points lobbed my way. I should be back to writing more soon, I’ve been trying to do some skill building for job searches.

First off, Kirk Cameron is absolutely entitled to his own opinion. When he airs it upon an internationally televised program he submits his views for inspection and mockery. I feel the need to comment because I also feel the need to comment about hate speech. And yes anything that makes a fellow human being as somehow less worthy because of their sexual orientation IS hate speech. Holding such comments up to ridicule is the best way to keep them from doing harm.

Leaving aside the religious side of things because we will never agree there… and don’t make me pull out the list of things besides homosexuality the bible calls an abomination that no one gives a rat’s ass about…

I believe that it’s a tragedy that these sorts of comments from people like Cameron, Palin, Bachman, Limbaugh, Santorum etc… etc…  are expressed by people. I believe that any time some talking head states that gay people are somehow less deserving of basic human rights it encourages some bully somewhere to keep bullying that gay kid. The number of children/teens who are forced to withdraw from educational participation, drop out of school or worse are beaten, killed or commit suicide because of this culture of hysteria that somehow gay people are to blame for societal problems is a black mark on us all. Being gay is NOT a choice.

I take issue with Kirk (and others) somehow blaming gay people for a breakdown in society. In Kirk’s words same sex marriage is somehow “destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” Poppycock!  This argument has been used since the dawn of society to marginalize some fringe group of society and blame them for what’s going on in the world. For centuries it was people of the Jewish faith, or people of colour. Now that we’ve (at least to some extent for the intelligent half of the population) gotten mostly past the issue of race we’re now blaming homosexuals for all of society’s ails. The optimistic side of me really hopes that when I’m 70 the next generation will look back on these fearmongers with the same ridicule and scorn we hold for the villains of the civil rights era like George Wallace and friends.

Gay marriage does NOT affect you.  Gay marriage does not cause wars. Gay marriage does not increase pollution, cause inflation or rape your dog. What happens in the bedroom of two consenting adults is none of your business and if their interpretation of their faith says that they can get married in the eyes of their god, their ancestors or the flying spaghetti monster then they (in Canada and the other progressive countries/states) can and will. People don’t have to like it, they don’t have to celebrate it but they do have to shut your mouth and accept that it is that couple’s right as citizens. Our law (and Americas) does not impose an “in the eyes of a christian god” aspect on marriage despite what christian fundamentalists would like. Using that as an argument means everyone non-christian shouldn’t be married in the eyes of Canada either.

I know a number of gay couples very well, two of these couples have children. In both cases they are every bit the equal of every straight couple I know raising children. Are their children going to turn out any differently?  Not really. They might get teased a bit thanks to Kirk and friends. They might be quicker to realize that they’re gay if they are. All that actually matters is that they’re going to end up raised properly and probably a lot more accepting of the variety in the world around them. Believe me when I say that my friend Kym is going to be a better mom than a lot of children I know ever get and you will never convince me that the fact that the other parent doesn’t have a penis will ever change that. Heck, one of the guys I met on my trip was raised by a gay male couple and he was the manliest man this side of Hulk Hogan.

I believe any of you as a person are entitled to your faith, but I don’t believe you’re entitled to force any part of your faith on other people.  One of the favourite arguments especially in the states is school prayer. I don’t believe that not having to say a prayer in school is a violation of freedom of religion.  Pray at home, then go to school. Why? the West Wing said it best:  “ It’s the fourth grader who gets his ass kicked at recess ’cause he sat out the voluntary prayer in homeroom. It’s another way of making kids different from other kids when they’re required by law to be there.” I accept that there are people on the extreme of my own viewpoint as well and they are equally wrong, but I refuse to kowtow to those people of faith who can’t seem to understand that “Freedom of Religion” also includes the choice to not have one.

Lastly, I reject the notion that not basing our laws on a faith system is truly imposing secular morality. (Even if we did no matter which one we chose a solid 75% of christians would disagree on parts of it.)  I would also argue that a christian morality is still very much being imposed on us, especially with God Emperor Harper in power. (but that’s a whole other ball of wax) However if creating a society in which people are free to worship or not according to their own beliefs without it impacting their human/citizen rights is how the christian/muslim/religious right chooses to define a “secular takeover” then I’m all for it.

P.S. Some of Alan Thicke’s tweets/comments about this have been classic.

” That meant it was up to former dad Alan Thicke to once again don the sweater vest of tough love, first comparing Cameron’s comments to the ongoing fallout over Rush Limbaugh, then saying, “I’m getting him some new books. The Old Testament simply can’t be expected to explain everything.” Thicke later added, “I love Kirk but I may have to spank him…’tho not in a gay way!” to let him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t mad, just disappointed.” via avclub.com

 

AA Day 13: Apparently we scare off drivers…

21 March 2011
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Categories: Rant..., Travel

Good god this was a long day of driving. We started out with an early morning transit to Christchurch, but were nowhere near the damaged areas.  Would have been interesting, but even now the locals are being kept out. Oddly enough we were actually changing drivers again here, and the next driver we`re only getting until Queenstown.  Combined with our changeover to the North Island bus back up to Auckland we`ll have had 5 drivers for our 3 weeks, which seems a little excessive.

The rest of the day was solid driving with periodic sightseeing and bathroom stops. We passed the Castle Rock formations which really reminded me of the climactic battle area in the first Narnia movie. Very pretty, especially after a short walk to the top. Apparently it`s a very popular free climb area.

Arthur`s Pass was next, apparently it`s only relatively recently that this road was finished (late 90s) and good god the original road must have been scary by the looks of the original path. We had lunch at a cafe up there then began to make our way down to the west coast. Once we hit the Tasman Sea coast we were into the region where most of the greenstone(jade) that`s sacred to the Maori comes from. Most of the stores in the town of Hokatika that were selling it actually let you walk in amongst the craftspeople as they worked on the stone. It was definitely neat to hit both coasts in a single day, but our journey wasn`t over yet.

We had to get to the Franz Josef glacier by the end of the day, which given our two hour delay and extra time picking up the new driver in Christchurch meant we didn`t hit the Franz Josef township until almost 6. It took us a while to check in with our glacier guides for tomorrow, then check in at the hostel. This is the first time I`ve had fault with E.T.`s opinion on lodging or food, but his description of this place is nice was certainly pushing it. Since arriving we (the boys) have been given a room directly next to the laundry, just down from the kitchen and at the base of the main stairs. It faces directly onto the main courtyard with full glass doors and 2 busloads full of Contiki types (heavily 18-20 year olds and stupidly heavy drinkers) so we`ll likely get a lovely serenade come closing time. Neither of the bunk beds have ladders to the top, our laundry was contaminated by some weirdass fleece material that may have ruined some of Niall`s shirts and the bathroom has an amazingly loud fan that automatically comes on and stays on long after the light is turned off. Lastly, our included meal tonight had the already late start time of 7:45, and despite our pre-order didn`t arrive on the table until almost 8:30, when we`d all eaten at noon. Sadly we`re staying two nights here, I`m sure it`s nicer if you`re in a single (even being upstairs would be better) or camping in the campground portion, but our room feels hostel-y to the worst. Hopefully the contiki types are moving on tomorrow so we can all get some sleep after our big hike.

Now that dinner is done I`m taking advantage of a free evening with internet that functions (I say this now, but the younguns are probably sponging it all up atm) to hopefully throw up the last 4 or 5 days of blog posts and a few pics. Hope everything is cool with everyone back home. Remember you CAN get me at the usual emails if you need me.

Sure enough, the connection is shitty, it’s taken me an hour just to put up the text blog version. I’m going to very slowly add some photos until my time runs out though.

Roadrage

5 August 2010
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Is there anything worse than being on a 1-lane highway? Up until now you’ve been cruising down a two lane divided, people are moving at a decent pace. Maybe you’re in a hurry, maybe you’re not, but you’ll get there reasonably close to when you expected. Then you lose a lane…
Instantly, every 5th driver around you turns into a moron and an annoyance. We’ve all been there, and you know any kind of predictability for arrival time goes out the window. This isn’t the biggest issue if you’re heading out just to take a sightseeing drive, but when (like me) you’re trying to catch a ferry it becomes problematic.

roadrage

Know Your Obstacles:

1.    The Sunday Driver: Only drives their car over to town a couple times a week. Doesn’t understand that the car can go faster than 50km/h (31ish mph) despite being in an 80 or 100 zone.

  • Likely Driving: Honda Civic, Chevy Cavalier/Optra, VW Golf/Beetle, Dodge Caravan

2.    Old Man in a Hat: Similar to the Sunday driver but will often go a bit faster. Unfortunately he brakes for almost anything (including sunshine) and takes forever to get back up to that speed. Also changes lanes at a pace more appropriate to an oil tanker.

  • Likely Driving: Caddy, Ford Crown Victoria, Mercedes C or S class, Toyota Corolla

3.    Nervous Nellie: Possibly a new driver, but just as likely not, they’re nervous about everything. Likely a city driver that doesn’t often get on the highway. The key symptom on a 1 lane each way undivided is that they flinch every time a car comes the other way.  This often leads to them slowing down, or even more dangerously actively slamming on the brakes anytime an opposite direction car passes. Particularly annoying (and dangerous) at night when their nervousness climbs into panic and no matter how far back you stay you’ll still risk hitting them.

  • Likely Driving: Toyota Prius, VW Jetta, Honda Civic, Mini Cooper, Mazda 3

4.    Captain Curvaphobic: Some of the most frustrating people to try to pass, this type is absolutely terrified of even the slightest bend or curve in the road.  The moment the road turns from a straight line he’ll drop his speed by 15-20 km/h. Those of us who like to use our cruise control find them absolutely infuriating. What’s worse is the moment you’re back on a straight section of road where you can actually pass, he’ll accelerate again and make it difficult.

  • Likely Driving: Jeep Grand Cherokee, Dodge Neon, Toyota Echo/Yaris

5.    Shepherd and his Sheep: The Shepherd is likely one of the above types who has gathered 5-10 sheep who are too nervous to try to pass him, but are sticking so close together than someone who comes up from behind needs to pass the entire herd at once or becomes part of it and exacerbates the problem. Most of the time periodic passing lanes can break this up, but this part of Ontario doesn’t seem to believe in them.
a.    Likely Driving: Everything under the sun.

6.    Trailer Tom: Usually a pretty similar situation as the shepherd. Often slow because they’re pulling a large trailer with a ridiculously underpowered light SUV or Minivan or even worse a car (enjoy the yearly transmission replacement morons.) The sheep in this case find it harder to pass since the two vehicle train is longer to pass. I’m not as anti-caravan as the Top Gear guys (I quite enjoy camping) but come on, if you’re planning to pull one buy something with the power train that can handle it.

  • Likely Driving: Honda CRV, Dodge Caravan, Mazda Tribute, Ford Taurus, Dodge Caliber

7.    The Explorer: We’ve all seen this guy in town too, usually a tourist trying to find a specific street and slowing/stopping at every intersection trying to read street signs. On this kind of highway he’s the guy who either can’t read a map or simply can’t remember a road number. Everytime you pass a sign indicating an upcoming turnoff or split he’ll be slowing and swerving as he tries to read a map and drive at the same time. In some cases he’ll do this for hours, apparently so bad at reading maps that he can’t even tell that he’s not even in the ballpark of his exit yet. Why people can’t print off a google map or make a quick sequential list of the Highways/Roads/Exits they’ll before I they leave on a trip to an unfamiliar area I’ll never understand.

  • Ford Focus, Ford F-150, Ford Explorer, Dodge Ram, Hummer, Honda Pilot

8.    The Big Heavy Truck: You’re driving down one of these roads and off in the distance is a farmyard or gas station with a soul crushing sight. Waiting to exit: a massive double load tractor trailer. You hope and pray that it’s either turning left, or that the traffic flow is constant enough in front of you to not let it in. Of course it won’t be, and you’ll find yourself slowed to a crawl as this behemoth struggles to make it up to 50 then takes another five minutes to get to 85. God help you if this is a hilly road, because this truck is so full of anvils, tungsten or cows that it has to slip into a crawler gear and put on blinkers to climb. Soon there will be a train of 30 cars behind you, but none of you will be able to pass because a stadium parking lot worth of cars will suddenly be travelling the other way at perfect intervals, except when there’s a double yellow line.

9.    The “I have an expensive car that obviously has cruise control but I’m not using it and driving you to madness”: Maybe it’s just me, but I see these guys all the time.  You’ll be driving down the road at 105km/h or whatever and come up behind one of these guys. Prepping to pass, you’ll suddenly find them pulling away from you, so you re-engage cruise and relax again. Suddenly around the next bend you’ll be up near their bumper again, whatever cell phone call they’re on having distracted them into slowing down. This time you decide, screw it I’ll pass them so I can just stay cruising. No luck, they’ll pass you back a few minutes later.

  • Likely Driving: Mercedes S/C Class, BMW 3 or 5 Series, Lexus LS460, Cadillac CTS. Audi TT, Volvo XC90, Mini Cooper S or whatever the current IT car is.

I don’t understand why it’s so much to ask for me to be able to put on my cruise control and enjoy the drive. If you aren’t comfortable driving on the highway, take a bus… the greyhound network here in Southern Ontario is reasonably good and likely wouldn’t put you into a stress induced early grave. My personal pet peeve though is the last type, mostly because there often seems to be active malice behind their actions as opposed to the just general stupidity of the other offenders. I’m not actively pushing for a death race 200 style combat/point system…or maybe I am?

dr2000

How about?

  • Sunday Drivers: 250 points
  • Old Men in Hats: 100 points (way too common to be worth more)
  • Nervous Nellie: 750 points (reasonably common, but twitchy so hard to hit)
  • Curvophobe: 250 points
  • Shepherd: 100 points (25 points per sheep)
  • Trailer Tom: 120 points (easy target)
  • The Explorer: 120 points (with the map up he’ll never see you coming)
  • The Big Heavy Truck: 300 points to everyone within 100 kilometers in celebration
  • IHAECTOHCCBINUIADYTM: the biggy a full 500 points!

We can of course add on the pedestrian scoring system from DR2000

  • Teenagers: 40 points
  • Toddlers under 12: 70 points
  • Women: 10 points more than men at any age.
  • Anyone over 75 (either sex): 100 points (Euthanasia Day!)

Hmmm, I think we’re on to something here. Now I just need to come up with a terrible nickname, a fun modding/paint scheme for my Mazda3 along with an alluring female navigator for the nude group massage scene.

A man can dream…

-Toast

p.s. What about the Toaster (main weapon: flamethrower?) painted in chrome and restyled to look like an old school Toaster. Hell we could even put a cylon eye on the front and mix that joke in.
product-preview-adult-toaster-large
Check out the shirt here

p.p.s. If you haven’t seen the original Death Race 2000 you really should, it’s amazing.

Apologies for any site wonkyness, had to rebuild it right before leaving.

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