TV
Earworms (Commercial Edition)
In the vein of the earlier earworm post I have a more important question… Is there anything more insidious than that very special brand of commercial that finds a nook and simply won’t leave your head for hours or days after you hear it? United Furniture Warehouse has even had campaigns based around singing the jingle. I do try hard to not let advertising impact my buying decisions, but I can’t say it doesn’t affect me.
For me growing up a lot of these jingles were seen on the slightly shitty American stations we’d get piped in from random American cities. Back before Winnipeg had NBC and CBS via Minneapolis we had Michigan stations (until people complained that the news from there was too violent.) Once we got Fox our stations came first from Toledo and now from Rochester NY.
One of my all time favorites was the dog jingle for a car dealership. It featured an animated dog and cowboy and the following lines:
• “Hey dawg, cmon dawg… Me an’ dawg want you to come on down to Telegraph Road, RIGHT NOW, get a good deal” “WOOF”
It has probably been 15-20 years since I’ve seen that jingle, but at least 3 of my friends can still sing it word for word.
Sometimes it’s not even a musical jingle just a specific shouting pattern. A perfect example of this is Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro a Lawyer from upstate New York who shouted at the top of his lungs and gave himself various other nicknames including the “meanest SOB in town” as he tried to solicit injury cases. He was pretty much the epitome of the american lawyer stereotype.
• “I’m Jim “THE HAMMER” Shapiro and I sue drunks, call 1-800-546-7777”
He made a lot of variations over the years and somehow I still know the phone number by heart.
Sadly I can’t blame the Americans for the worst of them all. A commercial jingle so vile that even as they change it every season the main theme is still stuck in your head… I speak of course of: Marineland.
• “In Niagara Falls Ontario, Marineland is the place to go… etc…”
This one has such tenacity that a few of my friends use it as a rickrolling type video knowing that if we trick someone into seeing even the opening few words they’ll have the whole song running through their brains constantly for a week. Personally I’m hoping having lived out here and seeing the commercials even more often may have increased my immunity a bit.
The return of Three Quick Hits
First off, word on the street is that the upcoming release of Community Season One on DVD will include a short comic book featuring the exploits of in world B-Movie hero Kick-Puncher (the hero whose punches have the powers of kicks) that will also feature scantily clad comic heroines based on certain leading ladies. Sadly this comes after rumours that we won’t be getting a blu-ray edition. Come on NBC, some of us don’t want to add any more DVDs to our shelves but still want to support what has quickly become a fantastic show. If you haven’t given it a shot, or didn’t tune back in after the shaky pilot Community was arguably the best new show last year and has quickly become a personal favorite. If you’re male and on the fence, do a youtube search for “Community Annie Pottery scene” and be won over quickly…
Second is a fantastic blog I discovered a while back and have since linked on the sidebar, but it deserves special mention. Allie is a bit of an odd duck, not unlike myself, and her blog is a hilarious collection of personal stories held together with simple but very effective mspaint art. trust me, you will enjoy her often very personal but always hilarious tales of her childhood and ongoing struggle to become an adult. If you’re like me you’ll also read her backlog and quickly begin to wonder how exactly she’s still among the living. Check her out at Hyperbole and a Half.
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and lastly…
hat tip to the AVclub…
A father for us all…
The other day I was at the drugstore trying to choose a birthday card for my team to give to our boss when I noticed a familiar face peeking out from the kids birthday section. The shining silver mouth, the oddly expressive eyes and the almost batman like points of his head were all instantly recognizable. It was Optimus Prime, the world’s greatest father figure and since it was a sound chip card he was “getting a signal to wish me a happy birthday.” Now don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing father. He’s a patient and kind (if slightly odd) man who is a genuine inspiration to me. However; Optimus Prime is a robot.
Let’s go through the reasons for Prime’s supremacy as a father figure.
1. He’s a Robot…
Robots fit the classic North American strong father figure archetype perfectly. Tall, strong, barrel-chested (truck-chested?) and able to defend his family, when you boasted that “my dad could beat up your dad” as a little kid you’d win pretty much by default.
2. He’s also a truck
Growing up, how cool would it have been to pull up at the front door of your elementary school in a giant shining truck that drives itself?
3. His voice…
Peter Cullen’s iconic voice inspires the autobots to fight against impossible odds. Could you possibly resist doing your homework or eating your veggies with that voice chiding you gently? What about bedtime stories? I’m sure Fred Savage would have preferred Optimus Prime over Colombo.
4. Self-sacrifice and nobility
There are too many examples to list, indeed at times some would argue that Prime seems to be far too noble. Honestly though, is that even possible in a father?
5. You’d get to see and do things other humans never will
Want to see Cybertron? How about exploring other planets? Wouldn’t a transforming robotic power suit be cool to have? You might even get a career in space. Sure, we all know that once in a while you’ll get kidnapped and put in mortal peril. Don’t be scared… Starscream or Rumble will end up in charge of guarding you and you’ll be able to escape through their sheer incompetence.
6. Never be late for soccer practice
Even if he can’t drive you there himself he can always pull that little wheelie robot out of his trailer and send you off in that. Heck, worst case scenario he can just order Bumblebee to be your bitch like he always was for that Spike Witwicky kid. (Incidentally, how come Sparkplug named his son Spike, but Spike named his kid Daniel… shouldn’t he have gone with Chainsaw or Carburetor or something?)
7. You’ll never have to hire a moving company
Just think, not only can he carry all your stuff off to college or a new job in his trailer but he can transform and hand boxes in through the window of your crummy 5th floor walkup and save you some stairs.
8. He’ll be around for the long haul
Sure all those sad farewells may tug on your heartstrings a bit, but he never seems to die permanently. There are things to be said for a near immortal dad. Eventually you would have seen it happen often enough that you could probably make some decent coin betting on his resurrection.
9. He’s a ROBOT!
The coolness of this cannot be overstated…
Is it any wonder that some of us cried when he died in Transformers: The Movie?* We all knew that Ultra Magnus and Hot Rod(imus) were no replacement for this icon of leadership, masculinity and parental excellence. Even watching the abominations created by Michael Bay the presence and dignity of the voice rises above the schlock. I can almost bear slow motion running from explosions and random meaningful stares into sunsets when it’s narrated by Peter Cullen. If only Frank Welker had been involved too…
*well I was 7 at the time…
3 Quick Hits
Hey kids! It’s time for another installment of 3 Quick Hits. Three things I find silly or cool or whatnot but that don’t really merit me writing much about them.
First up via SlipperyBrick:
Without a doubt the coolest usb flashdrive ever.
A fully transformable Ravage! Turning into a mini-cassette is so 80’s, all the cool kids these days use flash drives right? I am somewhat ashamed to admit how much I’d pay for a full set of these (or at least Ravage, Rumble and Razorbeak). Makes you wonder what form soundwave would take these days though, would he just be a laptop? An iPod seems a bit tiny for the coolest of all Decepticons, perhaps of all Transformers (and no, Blaster was nowhere near as cool… the autobot tapes were nowhere near as cool)
Numero Dos:
A commercial from bizaaro-world in North Carolina, I really hope this is an elaborate prank but I still spit juice onto my keyboard.
3rd shout out goes to the good old AVclub for their recent two part article on Ridiculous and Terrifying killer robots.
The Ridiculous and the Terrifying
I was quite pleased to see Maximillian from The Black Hole on there, but how are the short Circuit Robots not on there as ridiculous? A force of killing machines that can be stopped with a 3 stooges routine… sounds great!
That’s out of order!
Old news for some, but sadly even in the internet age uk-tv related news is not always easy to hear over here.
Simon Amstell has apparently retired as host of the BBC’s Music quiz/comedy show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks in order to spend more time touring as a straight (har!) standup artist.
This marks the second recent loss of a long-time cast member from NMTB as Bill Bailey left after the conclusion of the second-to-last series(season) last year. Phil Juputus remains as a team captain and frequent guest captain Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh will be taking over Bill’s chair permanently. Current rumours say the host position will be guest chaired for the coming season, apparently now not due til the fall. Hopefully they get another permanent host with the right combination of snark and deadpan.
Simon, we’ll miss you, come do the north american fringe circuit!
Check out a great clip of the surprisingly awesome Josh Groban and Omed Djalili on buzzcocks last year, then seek out episodes on your favorite internet video site for more.
R.I.P. Bea Arthur
Anyone who was around in the 80’s knew the Golden Girls, and like many Canadians around my age I probably saw every episode. The show’s syndicated run in Canada was one of the few things on after school that was for a bit more adult of an audience (these being the ancient days when basic cable was under 20 channels.)
Looking back I have a lot of fond memories of the show and of the four actresses in the lead roles. Much comedy was wrung from naïve Rose, man-crazy Blanche and irascible Sophia, but Bea Arthur’s Dorothy was the character that held the show together. Without Dorothy the show could easily have degenerated into one dimensional sillyness. Arthur was the consummate straight-woman and a gifted comedienne who had that all too rare ability to make the switch to pathos without it feeling totally contrived. (For a counter example see: Allen, Tim)
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It wasn’t until later in life that I saw any of her earlier series Maude on classic tv channels, but it was instantly clear that she brought the same skills to that role as well. I’m still amazed that they were able to have that frank of a discussion on abortion on network TV in that era. She was definitely a trailblazer for strong female characters on television (something we’re still not exactly swimming in.)
The post Golden Girls/Palace careers of the 4 women are rather varied…
Rue McClanahan seems to have taken minor parts in every crappy tv series and direct to video feature she could get. (Though I must say I enjoyed her as the blind biology teacher in Starship Troopers)
Estelle Getty died several years ago after developing a degenerative mental illness, but before that she did the terrible but oddly funny Stallone movie “Stop or my Mom will Shoot” and had a few other minor roles including a voice part in Duckman.
Betty White continues to be a perennial scene stealer. The foul mouthed granny egging on the giant gator in Lake Placid is a favorite as was her turn on Boston Legal and a recent guest star appearance on My Name is Earl as the witch lady. Her upcoming role in the new Sandra Bullock movie looks to be the only watchable thing in that inevitable crapfest. Her recent appearances on the new Pyramid show demonstrate that she’s as sharp as ever (ditto her great roast of Shatner).
Bea’s post GG career was a little more laid back, sticking to a few roles and some stage work. The highlight for me of course is her absolutely inspired turn as the fem-bot impersonating a fem-puter on the Futurama episode: Amazon Women in the Mood. Her voice acting is fantastic and based on the commentary the Futurama crew obviously loved her. The most recent thing I remember her from is a perfect example of her deadpan humour, sadly the AVclub beat me to the punch on this one but it really is perfect:
Farewell Cook County General
In 1994 I was a geeky 10th grader making his way through high school and trying to decide what to do with his life. I was on the verge of making some serious mistakes regarding romantic entanglements that would haunt the next 5-10 years of my life, I was coasting through school without having to make much of an effort and I was discovering the person that I would become. And on September 19, 1994 a TV series premiered that would influence my life for the next 10 years… that series was ER.
More after the break…
A Kwazy Kwanzaa… and a solemn and dignified Ramadan to you.
Sandra Lee… In my American foodie brethren her very name evokes the kind of disgust usually reserved for Rachel Ray’s spouting EVOO (followed by an explanation) or by College_Student_04029812 asking for CHEEP FOOD IDEAZ 4 DORM PLZ for the millionth time! Those of us lucky enough to live north of the 49th have thankfully avoided her frankensteinian cooking methods and trailer park arts and crafts aesthetic thus far so I will explain.
When I asked one of my friends if she’d seen the cake referenced later in this post her response was “those box cakes you used to get at KFC after they stopped using McCain?” As a result, I’ll start out by pointing out that I am not referring to Sara Lee, though I will admit that in my youth I somehow ate a few of those stale angel food and crusted mortal icing bricks that they forced upon us. CANCON rules (I’m guessing anyway) have thus far saved us from Sandra Lee, a “chef” who presents a show called “SEMI-HOMEMADE” where she takes premade products and combines them into meals that, at least in her words, look homemade.
I try not to be a food snob, I certainly have low grade junky foods that I love and won’t give up, but Sandra Lee takes it to a level that is just revolting. While some of her shows feature the occasional recipe that uses some pre-packaged ingredient in a novel and valuable way, most of them involve combining highly processed, very unhealthy foods together into one giant mess. The supposed time savings are often incredibly minimal or simply non-existent. The excessive use of easy store-bought “ingredients” means the end result often has a sodium or sugar level double or even triple what a proper dish would.
A few examples include:
A chicken and dumplings recipe that calls for a store-bought roast chicken (pulled apart), Pillsbury biscuit dough, canned gravy and the addition of 6 cups of broth. It also includes Bags of carrot and celery sticks that are then chopped up for addition to the chicken (yes you read that right… pre sliced carrot sticks, that you then chop… essentially saving yourself one or two knife slices per carrot at a 150% cost markup). I’m sure you can figure out the unnecessary repetition in this recipe from the chicken etc. Really basic dough like a dumpling is one of the easiest things in the world to make using ingredients most people have anyway, hell even using Bisquick is tons healthier than the Pillsbury kind and tons tastier
Mini Chicken Pot Pies using canned chicken…
Six Cheese Tortellini using Cheese Whiz and shredded bag cheese and cheese tortellini. Seriously… why are you not just buying a high quality jarred sauce, it’ll taste better.
For more horrors, simply visit the food network site (US version)…
I’d always thought Sandra was horrible from the odd time I flipped past her show while in the states or from the occasional unbelievable Youtube videos. I’d always meant to write a little rant about Lee, and when Amelie Gilette over at the AVClub posted the following this week, I had the perfect excuse: Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake.
Tony Bourdain (who I love dearly but who often tries a bit too hard to be ornery) had this to say about this concoction:
“The most terrifying thing I’ve seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don’t burst into flames. It’s a war crime on television. You’ll scream”
This cake starts out as a grocery store stale angelfood ring sliced into two layers. She then adds canned icing by the quart.
At this point you’re probably thinking “man he’s overreacting… my mom used to do that…” There’s a reason that Amelie refers to the cake as: “clearly a pile of ridiculousness slathered in despair and sprinkled with nonsense nuggets.”
The next step is to open a can of apple pie filling… and drop it with a plop into the middle of the hole in the middle of the cake. Not content to stop there, she then covers the cake with comically oversized candles and sprinkles it with pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. The nauseating result looks like something you’d find on the table at an elementary school craft fair and is yet more proof that pretty much everyone who watches her show will die of adult onset diabetes.
Behold:
Update:
Helpful Diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy
Gaiman on Colbert tonight!
Apparently the interview is tonight… interested in seeing where this goes.