Is it because I’m eating alone?

First a little backstory:

The municipal government building in which I work is situated more or less on the fringe of ‘business downtown’ and starts the shift towards ‘sketchy downtown’ here in the city. We as employees don’t have any actual lunchrooms in the building (at least not that I’ve found on floors I have access to) other than a counter space for a person or two to sit in the floor kitchen. Happily on the main floor of the building there is a cafe that sort of doubles as a cafeteria with a number of tables as well as some couches. It’s open to (and frequented by) outside people as they often have a good lunch special and the food is decent if sometimes bland. Most days at lunch I take my lunch break in the cafe, almost always watching an hour’s worth of tv or 1/2 a movie on my laptop or sometimes reading a book. Usually I just eat my lunch from home but I often grab a bowl of soup or an order of fries.

Anyway… so today I’m sitting in one of the corners (wearing my parka but unzipped as the wind often sneaks in the door and chills the place down) my headphones on and my laptop open watching a show and occasionally texting. I eat my sandwich from home but leave the rest of my food upstairs as I’m working a bit late and want to fend off hunger eating my apple and almond tart later in the afternoon. As time winds on the place gradually empties out until it’s only about half full, the credits are about to start rolling on my show and I’m just thinking that I should get my butt back up to my desk. That’s when it happened.

I notice a woman across the room who has finished her lunch stand up and begin walking towards me. I figure she’s heading to pick up one of the freebie papers that are sitting a few booths down from me by the door but no, now she’s speaking to me but I can’t hear her over the soundtrack. I pull out my headphones and say: “Pardon me?”

“I said would you like a soda pop?”

I manage to stammer out some sort of puzzled reply along the lines of “I’m fine” as I have a closer look at her. She’s late middle aged/early senior citizen, wearing a faded pink sweatshirt and ugly denim skirt. Her eyes are somehow simultaneously caring and vacant and I quite honestly can’t begin to figure out where she’s coming from.

“Well, are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?” There’s a concerned inflection to her voice now and it begins to click that she thinks I’m homeless/needy. Now on occasion homeless people do come into the cafe, we’re not far from a few of the bigger shelters and someone once told me the cafe owner donates a fair bit of leftover food to one of them. I’m fairly sure he also gives them a fair bit for their money when they do come in and want to pay for a meal. The thing I can’t figure out is why on earth she would think I’m homeless. I realize now that she’d come in after I finished my sandwich and therefore hadn’t seen me eating but I’m pretty clearly a staff member here. About the only visible reason might be that I forgot to shave… yet

  • I look well fed (well let’s be honest, overfed)
  • Other than being unshaven I’m reasonably well groomed
  • I’m using a laptop/headphones and texting on a fairly new phone.
  • I’m wearing a spotless fairly expensive looking jacket over what’s clearly a pressed dress shirt .

Obviously none of these things preclude me being homeless, but I think all of them together don’t really paint a picture of someone who needs her to come over.

Slowly starting to realize where she’s coming from I say: “No thank you, I’m good” But she leans closer and insists “No, you look like you wanted someone to come over and buy you some food.”

I thank her as politely as I can, tell her I already ate my sandwich and she finally accepts it and walks away saying “You know sometimes people just sit here hoping that someone will get them some food. (I eat lunch in here every day ma’am, I’ve never seen that.) Eventually I start packing up to leave at which point she finally gives up and goes to police her tray as I scurry back out to catch my elevator.

The damn thing was… the moment I went upstairs… I DID want a soda pop.

 

3 Quick Hits: Scootch closer children…

What were they smoking?
Totally old news but recently randomly discovered
Check out this Wikipedia entry about a superhero team known as Section 8. Note the altogether bizarre heroes.

Of particular note:

  • Dogwelder: A thin, silent man in a welder’s mask who spot welds dead canines to evildoers.
  • The Defenestrator: A large, burly man … who obsessively carries around a window through which he forcefully throws criminals.

When I first heard about this I figured… it must have been the 60s and it must have been some good product. Actual date of publication 1997.

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The Walken
It has become a well known fact that Christopher Walken can make almost anything sound surreal and creepy/hilarious by reading it aloud. His reading of the Three Little Pigs (find it on youtube) is fantastic and Jay Mohr’s amazing impression as he reads Goodnight Moon on a Simpsons episode is in much the same vein. However; Mental Floss linked to this video the other day and more or less blew my mind.

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The end of sleep:

04_civilization5_jpg_595x1000_q85
In a move that will unquestionably have a major impact on my study patterns as I complete my last term of school, Firaxis is releasing Civilization V this fall. CIV IV is probably the game that has most consistently caused me to look at a clock after what feels like a 90 minute session and realize that it’s 3am. Early incarnations were good, but IV, especially post-Beyond the Sword expansion was an addictively epic experience.

And now here comes CIV V. The CIV lovers among you will likely notice on the screenshot above that (in addition to some pretty amazing graphic changes) we’re seeing a shift to a hexagon-based grid for units. The keener eye will also notice a return to proper siege damage units. The changes go much deeper when you read further with units not necessarily dying off as a result of a combat, no more unit stacking and a complete revamp of how city fortifying works. I’m not certain, but it seems as if firaxis might be making a leap here that makes it a relearning experience for the hard core fans, but perhaps a bit more accessible to the new fan. I certainly think I’ll need to really adapt my playstyle for the new combat, but I probably should have done that already anyway. I’m certainly not going above prince difficulty on the first session though.

Also of note for those of us who hate fighting with Gamespy, it will be a steam game.

Really Apple?

Apple’s design team takes another nosedive into stupidity today.

What were once some of the nicest notebooks on the market have been neutered yet again as Apple has eliminated removable batteries from the macbook line. Another fun change is exchanging the express slot (on most models) for an SD card slot rather than just adding the SD slot like almost every other notebook out there.

I’ve seen quotes from WWDC saying that the battery is good for 1000 charges or 5 years for most people according to them (I don’t know about all of you but my laptop would certainly charge 1000 times faster than 5 years.) There’s also no discussion of diminished charge levels after a while. Anyone who travels a ton and relies on having a spare battery for long flights or long days will tell you they won’t be buying a macbook next time around. It’s all well and good for those who can afford the swank flights with the individual airplane plugs etc… (Though some flights now require you to buy the airline’s particular adapter, ask Neil Gaiman :p ) but most of us still ride coach on the best deal we can get for our particular dates.

What’s happened to Apple’s industrial design group? As a designer I’d always argue that Apple tends to stray way too far into form over function in their hardware but this is getting ridiculous…

edit: Though at least they’re getting cheaper… especially the air. I still maintain that it’s a waste of money for a not amazing machine, but good god they’re even prettier at that price.

3 Quick Hits

Hey kids!  It’s time for another installment of 3 Quick Hits. Three things I find silly or cool or whatnot but that don’t really merit me writing much about them.

First up via SlipperyBrick:

Without a doubt the coolest usb flashdrive ever.

transforming-flash-drive 

A fully transformable Ravage! Turning into a mini-cassette is so 80’s, all the cool kids these days use flash drives right? I am somewhat ashamed to admit how much I’d pay for a full set of these (or at least Ravage, Rumble and Razorbeak). Makes you wonder what form soundwave would take these days though, would he just be a laptop? An iPod seems a bit tiny for the coolest of all Decepticons, perhaps of all Transformers (and no, Blaster was nowhere near as cool… the autobot tapes were nowhere near as cool)

Numero Dos:

A commercial from bizaaro-world in North Carolina, I really hope this is an elaborate prank but I still spit juice onto my keyboard.

 

3rd shout out goes to the good old AVclub for their recent two part article on Ridiculous and Terrifying killer robots.

The Ridiculous and the Terrifying

I was quite pleased to see Maximillian from The Black Hole on there, but how are the short Circuit Robots not on there as ridiculous? A force of killing machines that can be stopped with a 3 stooges routine… sounds great!

The ABC’s of Creepy

On the off chance that you needed further proof that Michael Jackson is creepy beyond all get out, here are several selections from a recent auction of property from his Neverland ranch near Santa Barbara California.

michael1

“I am the Lord thy Michael and thou shalt not have other gods besides me…”

michael4

Bubbles looks like he’s scared of Orbiter number 4 on the left.  Hopefully he didn’t pee or MJ’s armor will rust.

michael21

Words escape me on this one, I’ll simply state that individual close ups make it even more terrifying, including the absolute worst:

michael3

Ungodly creepy… even Tiny Tim loves Michael.

My instrument

Last week was South by Southwest time again, reminding me again that I wish I had more time to seek out cool/weird new music. Not to mention a few grand for travel, accommodations and a platinum badge, plus a few more for show access bribes… Thanks to the crew over at the AVclub and Decider I’ve been able to live vicariously through their reporters.

Now I’m a former band geek, I played Trombone and loved it. I still love it, and I wish I could find a band to play in.  Sadly, it’s just that most of the bands in my hometown that I could play in with the amount of free time that I generally have all seem to meet early Saturday mornings… and that dog won’t hunt Monsignor!

This week during some of the SXSW wrapups I was introduced to a bunch of great new bands as well as bands that were simply new to me. I also got one extremely unexpected musical introduction, the glorious band known as Futomomo Satisfaction. They can be summed up as:  Japanese women in bikinis play Trombone and sing. I really don’t feel that I need to elaborate more, so please. Enjoy:

A Kwazy Kwanzaa… and a solemn and dignified Ramadan to you.

Sandra Lee… In my American foodie brethren her very name evokes the kind of disgust usually reserved for Rachel Ray’s spouting EVOO (followed by an explanation) or by College_Student_04029812 asking for CHEEP FOOD IDEAZ 4 DORM PLZ for the millionth time! Those of us lucky enough to live north of the 49th have thankfully avoided her frankensteinian cooking methods and trailer park arts and crafts aesthetic thus far so I will explain.

 

When I asked one of my friends if she’d seen the cake referenced later in this post her response was “those box cakes you used to get at KFC after they stopped using McCain?” As a result, I’ll start out by pointing out that I am not referring to Sara Lee, though I will admit that in my youth I somehow ate a few of those stale angel food and crusted mortal icing bricks that they forced upon us. CANCON rules (I’m guessing anyway) have thus far saved us from Sandra Lee, a “chef” who presents a show called “SEMI-HOMEMADE” where she takes premade products and combines them into meals that, at least in her words, look homemade.

 

I try not to be a food snob, I certainly have low grade junky foods that I love and won’t give up, but Sandra Lee takes it to a level that is just revolting. While some of her shows feature the occasional recipe that uses some pre-packaged ingredient in a novel and valuable way, most of them involve combining highly processed, very unhealthy foods together into one giant mess. The supposed time savings are often incredibly minimal or simply non-existent. The excessive use of easy store-bought “ingredients” means the end result often has a sodium or sugar level double or even triple what a proper dish would.

 

A few examples include:

 

A chicken and dumplings recipe that calls for a store-bought roast chicken (pulled apart), Pillsbury biscuit dough, canned gravy and the addition of 6 cups of broth. It also includes Bags of carrot and celery sticks that are then chopped up for addition to the chicken (yes you read that right… pre sliced carrot sticks, that you then chop… essentially saving yourself one or two knife slices per carrot at a 150% cost markup). I’m sure you can figure out the unnecessary repetition in this recipe from the chicken etc.  Really basic dough like a dumpling is one of the easiest things in the world to make using ingredients most people have anyway, hell even using Bisquick is tons healthier than the Pillsbury kind and tons tastier

 

Mini Chicken Pot Pies using canned chicken…

 

Six Cheese Tortellini using Cheese Whiz and shredded bag cheese and cheese tortellini. Seriously… why are you not just buying a high quality jarred sauce, it’ll taste better.

 

For more horrors, simply visit the food network site (US version)…

 

I’d always thought Sandra was horrible from the odd time I flipped past her show while in the states or from the occasional unbelievable Youtube videos. I’d always meant to write a little rant about Lee, and when Amelie Gilette over at the AVClub posted the following this week, I had the perfect excuse: Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake.

 

Tony Bourdain (who I love dearly but who often tries a bit too hard to be ornery) had this to say about this concoction:

The most terrifying thing I’ve seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don’t burst into flames. It’s a war crime on television. You’ll scream”

 

This cake starts out as a grocery store stale angelfood ring sliced into two layers. She then adds canned icing by the quart.

 

At this point you’re probably thinking “man he’s overreacting… my mom used to do that…” There’s a reason that Amelie refers to the cake as: “clearly a pile of ridiculousness slathered in despair and sprinkled with nonsense nuggets.”

 

The next step is to open a can of apple pie filling… and drop it with a plop into the middle of the hole in the middle of the cake. Not content to stop there, she then covers the cake with comically oversized candles and sprinkles it with pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. The nauseating result looks like something you’d find on the table at an elementary school craft fair and is yet more proof that pretty much everyone who watches her show will die of adult onset diabetes.

 

Behold:

Update:

Helpful Diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy

kwanzaa-poster

Awesomely terrible death scenes…

The topic of terrible cinematic death scenes came up on Twitter today (I believe originally to me via Bill Corbett) and this glorious gem was posted.

http://www.cinematical.com/2009/03/06/discuss-worst-death-scene-ever/

As you gather your wits after that stupidity, I’d like to ask… What are your favorite incredibly stupid but really funny as a result death scenes from movies? There’s a fine line between something like the previous which seems (I hope) to be tongue in cheek but still within the plot of the movie over to something that’s totally meant as comedy. 

A few personal favorites:

Not truly cinematic, but the return of the helicopter from the television show E.R. A few years after he loses his arm to a helicopter tail rotor, Dr. Robert Romano is killed by another helicopter falling off the roof and onto his head. It’s so incredibly over the top dumb yet awesome.

Troll 2: Almost any death in this movie is incredibly drawn out and stupid, but the ones where they turn into liquified green goo are especially horrid. Staying within the MST3K/Rifftrax genre gives us a bunch of other options of course. Every single railing death in Space Mutiny would be a candidate, Torgo’s “erotic” massage in Manos and so on. They’re almost too easy as targets though… here’s a nice compilation of the ultra cheesy.

Welsey Snipes final passing in demolition man (which was so incredibly telegraphed) …

Bond killing Blofeld in Never Say Never Again by dropping him down the smokestack was so over the top stupid yet undoubtedly entertaining.

What would your choice be?