On the off chance that you needed further proof that Michael Jackson is creepy beyond all get out, here are several selections from a recent auction of property from his Neverland ranch near Santa Barbara California.
“I am the Lord thy Michael and thou shalt not have other gods besides me…”
Bubbles looks like he’s scared of Orbiter number 4 on the left. Hopefully he didn’t pee or MJ’s armor will rust.
Words escape me on this one, I’ll simply state that individual close ups make it even more terrifying, including the absolute worst:
Ungodly creepy… even Tiny Tim loves Michael.
People with zero chance of becoming Nobel laureates
This is absolutely one of my favorite things that have been sent to me in a while, a set of 41 terrible science projects. I’m sure a good chunk of these are fake or shopped, but some are all too real. Honestly, you have to pity the elementary school/junior high science teachers. Who doesn’t remember the kids who really didn’t try, or better yet who tried but chose the most ridiculous subjects imaginable. Here are a few absolute all-star projects. Children are our future, and we should all be absolutely terrified.
Any bets this kid’s name is something of the type: Percival Higginsbottom IV? This entire experiment was inspired by the most tragic moment of his young life…The terrible Saturday afternoon when the butler spilled Grey Poupon on his blazer during high tea. He has a friend from the same school in the expanded set of pictures as well…
How did someone not tell this kid about the gaping hole in his “experiment?” Stay tuned for his sequel next year: What is Marlee Matlin’s favorite piano concerto?
Sorry Teach, but I think you should have maybe steered this kid in another direction? Unless junior high has changed a lot since I was there (and the new Degrassi tells me otherwise) this poor girl is probably going to be known by a nickname such as Toe-Licker until she escapes to a college on the other side of the country
These two ladies are trying to clear up some misconceptions about methamphetamines. Sure they may be addictive, horribly unhealthy drugs that are eating up people across the world… but they’re not all bad. Now that Mom cooks up meth in our basement, she doesn’t have to whore herself out to support her coke addiction. Crystal Meth, friend of children everywhere (at least until the lab cooks off and roasts everyone alive.)
On a related “my mom’s is a less than chaste woman” note, little Veronica’s desperate quest takes her science project onto some decidedly creepy ground. I can’t decide if the hearts a desperate attempt to prove she’s really ok about it, or just a cry for attention.
Taking the lead in the “Neither of my parents give a rats ass about me and I started this project last night” category is Butch with his scientific investigation of the effects of Mountain Dew on house plants as presented on what looks like foolscap. It’s been done kid, hell it was a major plot point in Idiocracy… a movie I suggest you watch for potential career path options.
As usual I’m weeks late to the party on one of these, but here’s mine.
The idea behind this meme is that you combine random info from randomized sources to create a CD/Album cover for your fictitious band. Ikinci Qala brings a sort of Ladysmith Black Mambazo vibe to mind and the album title/artwork meshed surprisingly well. I feel like my band is probably loved by hippies everywhere and is often a special guest at folk festivals. Apologies for the shitty graphic quality, stuck with only Paint on this computer.
Here’s how to play along:
1 – Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random”
or click en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 – Go to “Random quotations”
or click www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 – Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4 – Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.
5 – Post to Flickr or your website.
For funsies here’s another one I did later on… classic (it’s spooky how often the image/band name or title match well):
A Kwazy Kwanzaa… and a solemn and dignified Ramadan to you.
Sandra Lee… In my American foodie brethren her very name evokes the kind of disgust usually reserved for Rachel Ray’s spouting EVOO (followed by an explanation) or by College_Student_04029812 asking for CHEEP FOOD IDEAZ 4 DORM PLZ for the millionth time! Those of us lucky enough to live north of the 49th have thankfully avoided her frankensteinian cooking methods and trailer park arts and crafts aesthetic thus far so I will explain.
When I asked one of my friends if she’d seen the cake referenced later in this post her response was “those box cakes you used to get at KFC after they stopped using McCain?” As a result, I’ll start out by pointing out that I am not referring to Sara Lee, though I will admit that in my youth I somehow ate a few of those stale angel food and crusted mortal icing bricks that they forced upon us. CANCON rules (I’m guessing anyway) have thus far saved us from Sandra Lee, a “chef” who presents a show called “SEMI-HOMEMADE” where she takes premade products and combines them into meals that, at least in her words, look homemade.
I try not to be a food snob, I certainly have low grade junky foods that I love and won’t give up, but Sandra Lee takes it to a level that is just revolting. While some of her shows feature the occasional recipe that uses some pre-packaged ingredient in a novel and valuable way, most of them involve combining highly processed, very unhealthy foods together into one giant mess. The supposed time savings are often incredibly minimal or simply non-existent. The excessive use of easy store-bought “ingredients” means the end result often has a sodium or sugar level double or even triple what a proper dish would.
A few examples include:
A chicken and dumplings recipe that calls for a store-bought roast chicken (pulled apart), Pillsbury biscuit dough, canned gravy and the addition of 6 cups of broth. It also includes Bags of carrot and celery sticks that are then chopped up for addition to the chicken (yes you read that right… pre sliced carrot sticks, that you then chop… essentially saving yourself one or two knife slices per carrot at a 150% cost markup). I’m sure you can figure out the unnecessary repetition in this recipe from the chicken etc. Really basic dough like a dumpling is one of the easiest things in the world to make using ingredients most people have anyway, hell even using Bisquick is tons healthier than the Pillsbury kind and tons tastier
Mini Chicken Pot Pies using canned chicken…
Six Cheese Tortellini using Cheese Whiz and shredded bag cheese and cheese tortellini. Seriously… why are you not just buying a high quality jarred sauce, it’ll taste better.
For more horrors, simply visit the food network site (US version)…
I’d always thought Sandra was horrible from the odd time I flipped past her show while in the states or from the occasional unbelievable Youtube videos. I’d always meant to write a little rant about Lee, and when Amelie Gilette over at the AVClub posted the following this week, I had the perfect excuse: Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake.
Tony Bourdain (who I love dearly but who often tries a bit too hard to be ornery) had this to say about this concoction:
“The most terrifying thing I’ve seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don’t burst into flames. It’s a war crime on television. You’ll scream”
This cake starts out as a grocery store stale angelfood ring sliced into two layers. She then adds canned icing by the quart.
At this point you’re probably thinking “man he’s overreacting… my mom used to do that…” There’s a reason that Amelie refers to the cake as: “clearly a pile of ridiculousness slathered in despair and sprinkled with nonsense nuggets.”
The next step is to open a can of apple pie filling… and drop it with a plop into the middle of the hole in the middle of the cake. Not content to stop there, she then covers the cake with comically oversized candles and sprinkles it with pumpkin seeds and corn nuts. The nauseating result looks like something you’d find on the table at an elementary school craft fair and is yet more proof that pretty much everyone who watches her show will die of adult onset diabetes.
Get out tonight to see it in 3D. Neil Gaiman’s twitter reminded me today that the Jonas Bros in 3D is likely to take over all the 3D capable screens at a theatre near you tomorrow.
You owe it to yourself not to miss this in 3D as it’s one of the few movies where it’s used to make the movie better through and through as opposed to just a gimick.
There are varying degrees of culture shock that one gets upon moving away from one’s birthplace for the first time. Maybe you moved to Europe for school and you’re learning a new language (or multiple new languages). Perhaps you went to Australia for a year to find yourself (more likely to find beer and people of loose morals of the gender of your choice.) Or perhaps you only moved to Ontario…
As most of you who read this blog know, I recently (temporarily) moved to Waterloo Ontario to take an internship at Research in Motion inc. proud manufacturers of BlackBerry and BlackBerry related products. Is it whiny and lame of me to complain of culture shock moving to southern Ontario from Manitoba? Yeah, probably… but it’s more a combo of wistful homesickness and culture shock anyway.
Waterloo is an incredibly white town, somewhere around 90% of the city is very white, mostly of Germanic descent. The universities thankfully break this up a bit, bringing a more diverse student base, especially of asian backgrounds. As someone from Manitoba however, the absence of any significant aboriginal population is somewhat jarring. I was actually specifically told that I might want to consider not broadcasting the fact that I’m Metis as this area doesn’t have the greatest reputation of friendliness towards first nations people. I’m not entirely surprised as the city is fairly affluent and definitely seems to cultivate a wholesome whitebread image.
The weirdest things have been making me home sick… I’m the first to claim that Winnipeg drivers suck, but at least we’re relatively friendly. People in southern Ontario like to come very close to running down a pedestrian in a parking lot at least once daily, and will NOT come to a stop at crosswalks even if you’re already halfway across. When people pass you on the highway, they will cut back in front of you within 2 feet of your bumper, even if the lane is clear ahead and there is no one on their tale. One of the weirdest things that I still find jarring after two months is the sheer length of light patterns. Pressure plates seem to be non-existent here and many of the intersections near my place have light patterns in excess of 90 seconds.
Culinarily I’ve been having issues too, needless to say I can’t get anything George’s like here (though I’ve been pleased by being reunited with Popeye’s Chicken) and overall ethnic food wise the place doesn’t hold a candle to Winnipeg. The single greatest tragedy is the lack (at least that I’ve been able to find) of any true thai restaurants. Most of the Vietnamese restaurants in town bill themselves as Vietnamese and Thai food, but invariably their Thai dishes consist of a shitty tomato based Pad Thai and various Vietnamese style noodly bowls with “thai chicken” which near as I can tell just means they put extra lime juice or lime leaves in. If you’re especially lucky you might find a lackluster Tom Kha Gai soup. This wouldn’t be a crushing disappointment if it weren’t also very difficult to find Thai ingredients in the limited local asian markets. Proper thai curry pastes are nowhere to be found, much less something like Matsuman, but at least I can make some semi-proper pad thai. What I wouldn’t give to be able to head down to Vientiane tonight though…
You might think I should be thankful for the weather, but to be honest, other than the week of death back in January (Winnipeg: coldest place on the continent… beating out the ARCTIC CIRCLE) temperatures have not been far apart and we’ve gotten an absolute ton of snow that has made the wussy people around here hibernate even more. Even getting someone to go for a drink after work is like pulling teeth. I’m told things will get better here with the coming of summer and the festival season, but all I can say is thank god for movies and the internet. Regardless, summer brings Fringe back home and unless I can swing a trip back it’ll be the first festival that I’ve missed all of in well over a decade.
Matters are not helped by the fact that the famous southern Ontario attitude is alive and well here… Not long after arriving here I was shopping at best buy for a movie and happened to mention that I was new to the city and trying to keep myself occupied until I met some people. His response when he found out I was from Winnipeg. “So I guess things are a little more fast paced here hey? – – – Yeah that’s right buddy…Kitchener (population ~200k) is too fast paced for me, your towering downtown skyline of 3 or 4 buildings over 10 stories tall just blows my little prairie mind. Wake up, even Regina has a bigger downtown core than this dinky little town. I guess merely by being within 2 hours of downtown Toronto I should feel overwhelmed by the I AM CANADA aura that is the GTA.
While nowhere near as fun or blog-worthy as my original plan, starting tomorrow I’m still getting out of this godforsaken city til at least the 20th of August. School doesn’t start until the 4th so I really don’t care when I get back.
As a result updates will likely be sporadic since I have no way of knowing if our hotel(s) in nowhere Wyoming and bumfuck Montana will have reliable wifi. I’m hoping our actual destination resort will, but you never know. In any case I’m planning to spend more time white water rafting than on the net but given the total lack of nightlife I imagine I’ll still be online fairly often when I can.
I really hope so anyway as I’ve been having a crazy run at P-stars lately cashing in most of the (admittedly low stakes) tourneys I’ve played in the past week. Made a solid few bucks at the cheapo PLO tables last night too. Probably my best play last night was check raising a guy all in after I flopped a boat.
I was in the bb with a Patrick Roy (3x 3x) to those who aren’t hockey fans. Blind got doubled at 1st position and about half the table called. I matched and we saw the flop. 3x 9x 9x came out (w/ no flush possibilities) and I inwardly smiled. I had to think I was tops. I checked and it went around most of the table before we saw a bet and a double. I pretended to hem and haw for a second then called and the rest of the table folded leaving just me and the raiser. The turn came out with a Jd (and again no flush help) I played it slow and checked to him.
Now this guy had been really aggressive all night, the moment he sensed weakness he pushed hard and never seemed to consider the possibility of someone slowplaying him. I was counting on this and sure enough when I quickly checked to him he put about 1/4 of his (then cheapleading) stack into the pot. I put him on a 9 with a nice kicker as he hadn’t seemed too aggressive until the flop hit (I also suspected the guy that bet on the flop initially had held the other 9 as he’d been playing any suited connectors all tourney. It was possible however that he had a straight draw so I decided to go hard. All-in (to take me to about 2/3 of his total stack. I imagine he suspected he’d been had but he called anyway and we flipped. Sure enough he had Ad 9d and I ended up just short of being the new chipleader.
It was a nice run, as in the next few hands I saw a QQ and Rockets but got no action both times. My cards ran a bit dry after that, but I still managed to hold on til heads up when another pocket pair ran into a low set and I finished in second. Still a respectable payday though.
Here’s hoping I can keep the run going while on holidays and maybe even play some live poker. There’s got to be an indian casino or two in wyoming/montana right?
Shittiest thing about the trip? Having to watch incredibly annoying and biased American Olympic coverage, not an event where a yank has a chance to medal? Good luck seeing even 5 minutes of it, and if one didn’t medal you’re never going to see the podium. Missing CBC’s final olympic broadcast and getting that silly little shiver when I first hear the music will suck too. CTV/TSN’s coverage will never be as good. I can only hope our resort in the mountains gets satellite with CBC, it happened once in the past on a trip there and my fingers are crossed.
Now dear readers, in closing I leave you with the cutest Darth Vader ever.
My favorite shirt ever has just been reprinted at Threadless. If you buy anything from them, please do so through that link or here as I get a buck or two towards a tshirt for myself if you do.
